An online auction is basically like getting married, except instead of ’till death do us part,’ it’s ’till the last three seconds when someone outbids you by a dollar.’

You start casually browsing, just looking around with no real commitment. Then you see something that catches your eye and think, “Oh, that’s nice, I could see that in my life.” Before you know it, you’re refreshing the page obsessively at 2 AM, heart racing, palms sweaty, telling yourself, “I NEED this vintage toaster/this person in my life forever.”

The bidding war is like the engagement period—lots of back and forth, increasing investment, and growing anxiety about whether you can actually afford this commitment. You find yourself doing mental gymnastics: “Well, if I skip lunch for three months…” or “Well, if we just elope instead of having a big wedding…“

Then comes the final moment–either you win and immediately panic about what you’ve just committed to, or you lose and spend the next week stalking the winner’s profile, wondering what they have that you don’t.

And just like marriage, there’s always that moment after you’ve won where you look at your purchase and think, “What have I done? Do I actually want a 1970s fondue set?” But unlike marriage, at least with eBay, you can usually return it or sell it to the next hopeful romantic.

The real kicker? In both cases, your friends will either congratulate you or stage an intervention, depending on how questionable your choices appear to be.