As we enter the peak of the beach season, this is a great time to remind you that the auction is remarkably like heading to the beach, except instead of sunscreen, you need to bring your reading glasses and a steady internet connection.

Just like at the beach, everyone starts out looking composed behind their screens, but within minutes, you’re frantically refreshing your browser like you’re checking wave conditions every thirty seconds. The constant “ping” of bid notifications sounds suspiciously like seagulls squawking over dropped french fries, and there’s the same urgent energy of “Mine! Mine! Mine!” – except now it’s happening in your pajamas at 2 AM.

You log on with every intention of just “browsing” the listings – maybe watching one small item, like dipping your toes in the water. But before you know it, you’re in over your head with seventeen different tabs open, auto-bidding on a vintage armoire you definitely don’t need, the same way you end up with a shopping cart full of beach gear you’ll never use.

The photo gallery is like checking the surf report – you zoom in on every angle, trying to spot hidden damage or authenticity issues, maybe adding items to your watch list. Everyone’s trying to look casual while secretly calculating shipping costs and maximum bids, just like pretending you’re not bothered by the ice-cold ocean while your credit card slowly freezes.

And just like leaving the beach with sand in places you didn’t know sand could go, you close your laptop with mysterious purchases scattered across multiple auction sites, plus that slightly sunburned feeling of having stared at screens way longer than you planned. The only difference is that instead of salt water in your hair, you’ve got the lingering anxiety of wondering where exactly you’re going to put that $100 lamp…